Surreal hu?

My blogs are just getting posted further and further apart >:/ Life is crazy! I have been working as a nurse now for 6 months! Where has the time gone. SO much has happened let me tell you. Its crazy how much just comes to you naturaly. Things just come to you. I ran my first code. I can tell you what day, what time, who was there, what happened, vital signs, every detail. It replays in my mind. I have been told that this is normal for your first. I Watched my patient slip away and not come back, even after every effort was made to revive them. It sucks, It makes you sick to your stomach and makes you feel like crap. But its something that can't be helped. You can't save them all, as much as you want to. I am one of those people who get attached. I can't help it, thats who I am. My patients are my family. I take care of them day after day. Its hard not to become emotionally attached to these people, even more so when they are your age. So, I had to deal with my first real tragic death. They tell you that you can't have favorites. That each patient is to be veiwed the same. And I see why, but when you are taking care of someone who is your age, how do you view them as every other ELDERLY patient you care for? You don't. About a month and a half ago I lost a patient who was just 2 years older than me. Surreal hu? Tell me about it. I took care of this kid. Kid is what he was. Young. No wrinkles, no signs of being "old". Just like me. We liked the same music, had commen interests, he reminded me alot of my brother.. Same personality, same facial expressions. Every night I would go in and we would laugh and joke, it was kind of like a nightly routine, not just for me but for the staff. Everyone loved going in that room and joked around. It's not the same dealing with a death of someone so young, despite their disabilities. It's just not. I'm slowly understanding that the hardest part of nursing is doing everything you can and inevitably your going to lose people. There are days, especially days where you lose someone that you think, Why in the hell did I want to do this, be a nurse. You work long hours,lose patients who mean alot to you, stress level of 50 on a scale of 1-10, rude patients, rude doctors, rude family members, cleaning bodily fluids, sticking fingers up placees they shouldn't be. I mean come on?!? Really. Who would honestly say "Hey thats the job I want".... Me. Thats the job I want. After long shifts, losing patients, stress like no other, rude people, and bodily fluids, I am so proud to say that I am a nurse. That my job is important and that not everyone can do it. Knowing I make a difference, that I bring peace and comfort in the last moments of a persons life, making the sick well, or caring for someone day after day and becoming "family". It's the most rewarding thing I can think of. It's hard saying good bye, losing someone, and seeing them one day and not the next. I'll always remember that kid, the good times, and I'll always remember that night But knowing that they are no longer confined to a bed or wheelchair, knowing that they are no longer suffering, and knowing that they are home with the Lord, brings some comfort.